To Have Read online

  I sputtered water all over the counter and tried to control my choking sounds, which, of course, only made it worse. She patted my back, then handed me a towel to mop up my mess that was spilling down both my chin and the cabinet fronts.

  “You okay, honey?”

  “Yeah,” I croaked out in a hoarse voice, thumping my chest.

  “I hate getting all choked up,” she sympathized. “Now, what were we talking about? Oh, yes! Did you get to see him onsite?”

  The kitchen knife found its new home and my hand, and I went to work. “I met with all the new employees today.”

  “That’s right,” Mom threw in as she searched through the freezer. “I’m so glad he was able to come back to help out. It’s not been the same since he left home.”

  The angry chopping sound of the knife was probably a dead giveaway to my true feelings, but I remained quiet because I couldn’t disagree with that last statement.

  “Need help?” The voice of my brother Grey rang throughout the kitchen as he entered through the back door and sat down at the table to take off his boots. Jesse greeted him with the same kind eyes he always gave me.

  “Can you help Charlotte with the salads? I need to grab some more garlic bread from the garage.” Mom skipped out the side door towards where we kept our large stand freezer, thrilled she was getting to put together a meal for the prodigal son.

  “Hey, Char—”

  Swatting his arm with my free hand, I went back to taking my frustration out on the iceberg. “Why did you not let me know he was already here?”

  Grey passed a hand over where I hit him, laughing at my attempt to inflict pain. “What? No How are you, Grey? Good to see you, Grey?”

  “That’s yet to be determined. Now, back to my question. Could you not have at least texted me?”

  “You also want me to keep tabs on everything he does?” His hands mimicked a texting motion. “Charlotte: Deacon’s getting a new bottle of water. Stop the presses! He just blinked!”

  My unamused expression did nothing more than spurn him on because…well, he was Grey. “Don’t look now; he’s naked in the shower! Scandal!”

  I turned my head back to the task Mom had assigned to us, trying to downplay the fact that flames were currently scorching my skin from his comment, which hit a little too close for comfort and put too many images in my overloaded brain. “Stop being ridiculous.”

  “Like you’re being?” That stupid cocked blond eyebrow. If he weren’t so genuinely kind and funny, I’d want to slug him. “For someone who doesn’t care to see him, you worry a lot about his where…abouts.”

  “Don’t even go down there, Mr. Powers.”

  “Sis, he’s been back for one day. One. Let him have some breathing room. You’re acting like a lunatic,” he sassed, a tired gaze on his face telling me something else was weighing him down. “Look… Can’t we have a nice meal together? At least for Mom?”

  “Fine,” I conceded, happy to draw attention away from any more Deacon-related conversation.

  He grabbed another knife from the utensil drawer and went to town on dicing up the fresh garden tomatoes. “You talk to Dad?”

  “He was almost out like a light when I got here.”

  We worked quietly for a few moments. “He ask?”

  “I told him we’d talk later since he was tired. Why?”

  He dropped his voice to a whisper, seeing Mom passing by the window. “We need to talk in the morning before the guys get there. I may have found a solution to the problem.”

  I gave a small nod, worried at what that solution might involve. My brother was an amazing problem solver, but sometimes his overwhelming need to fix the situation and return everything to order overlooked hidden costs and red flags.

  Mom chattered on with Deacon, asking a million and one questions, almost like they hadn’t emailed at least once a week while he was gone. I picked at my chicken and noodles, praying time would speed up so I could slip out without looking like I was trying to get away. I had pushed the same noodle around for the eighth time, plotting my plan of escape, when Mom’s voice broke me out of my trance.

  “—aren’t you honey?”

  “Huh?”

  “Deacon asked if you were still teaching dance classes.”

  “Yelp.”

  “How do you like teaching?” No smirk, just an earnest question, which would have been fine had I not had to deal with his unsettling, playful alter ego earlier today.

  “It’s fine,” I mumbled his way, looking back down at my plate. Rude, but I was done with the many faces of Deacon Devereaux today.

  Of course, my slight wasn’t sneaky enough to escape the queen of hospitality’s notice. “Charlotte…” she warned.

  “I’m sorry. It’s been a long day.” I looked at him with an empty stare, laced with just a hint of stop trying to make small talk when you know I don’t want to be here in the first place. Well, maybe more than a hint. “I think I’m going to head out early.”

  The worried mom mask settled in place, my behavior faux pas momentarily forgotten. “You’re not getting that stomach flu, are you?”

  “No, just tired,” I said softly as I scooted my chair back from the dining room table. “I’ll call you tomorrow,” I kissed my words onto my mom’s forehead, and she wrapped her arms around my waist.

  “Feel better, Gracelyn.” My mom and dad’s penchant for calling me by my middle name during our most affectionate exchanges always filled my heart with tranquility. As long as they could call me that, the world would right itself again—eventually.

  “Love you, Mom. I’ll see…you all tomorrow.” I grabbed my purse and keys from the counter and gave Jesse a good head rub on my way out, reveling in the silkiness of his velvet ears and the small grunts of contentment he gave in return. “Bye, sweet boy.”

  I had almost made it to my faithful red coupe, a ride with more spirit and miles than flash and style before I heard the front door open and shut once more.

  “Charlotte?”

  I looked up to the sky, wondering why the Lord felt it necessary to test me so. Why can I not get away from this man?

  “Why are you leaving?”

  “Did you not hear what I told Mom? It’s been a long day, and I need to rest.”

  “You don’t have to leave because I’m here.”

  “I’m not,” I fibbed.

  He took a step closer to me and lowered his head, painting his voice with a softness that was uncharacteristic for him. “You’re many things, Sunshine, but a good liar isn’t one of them.”

  A sarcastic huffing sound sliced through the balmy night air. “How would you know that, Deacon? Seriously? You’ve been gone for almost two years. I’m not the same Charlotte I was then.”

  “I had to leave. I wasn’t—I just had to...”

  “And you did.” I glared at him, angry at how dismissive he was. “But, don’t expect things to be the same when you breeze back into our world for however long you decide to grace us with your presence this time.” My keys jingled in my hand as I opened the candy red door. “See you at work.” I slid into my seat and jammed the keys into the ignition, wanting to transport away at this moment.

  He back away from the car as I put it in reverse. I pretended he wasn’t in the driveway and I wasn't a coward, tucking tail and running. I pretended this was just another night at my parents’ house and I wasn’t trying to escape from the man who always seemed to want to run from me. And as I put it in drive and started on my way home, I pretended I didn’t hear his voice filtering through my cracked windows, saying, “Drive safe, princess.”

  Chapter Nine

  Deacon

  I’m not the same Charlotte I was back then. It was a phrase on replay since leaving the house and Grey dropping me off at my truck. I pulled into my rental home with a head full of thoughts and a furry friend in tow. Grey blew his horn as he drove past the house on the way to his, with Jesse baying back. The Kasens were kind enough to watch him while I was
away for the last couple of years, but with Charles in the state he was, I couldn’t keep burdening them. Lynn was sad to see him go, but I could sense just the tiniest bit of relief from her to have one thing of many lifted from her shoulders.

  From my conversation with Grey, she had decided to take FMLA to be home with Charles while he recuperated. Still, with no income and a business that was starting to experience woes of its own, money troubles were beginning to wear her down, along with Charles’s frustration with how slow he was progressing. I knew all too well the pain of how slow recovery could be and what it costs in the meantime. My heart went out to the two people who took in a kid they didn’t have to, a kid who, in essence, cost them the life of one of their own.

  I had stocked up on Jesse’s essentials on my way back into town yesterday and picked up the key from Grey. While I had been gone, he had become somewhat of a real estate mogul in his own right, bringing old rundown structures back to life and creating a rental company as an offshoot of Kasen Construction. I had asked him about the rent when I had called him about coming home. He said he had the right place in mind for me, which was just a few houses down from his, but when he gave me an insultingly low-ball number, I frowned at his answer. I made a comfortable stipend where my service had been disrupted, so I told him where to stick that family discount. He assured me that was what everyone else paid to rent a home and yard that size from the rental company. I asked him why he didn’t charge more, and he just gave me a typical boy scout answer that was 110% Greyson Kasen to a T:

  People can’t move up if they’re held down by their most basic needs. Everyone needs a hand from time to time, but sometimes they need a hero who has their best interests at heart. Someone who can help them make it happen in secret. It’s a privilege to help others when you have the means to do it.

  I had suspicions of what he meant by that, and unfortunately, that three-sizes-too-big heart of Grey’s was going to get him in major trouble one day. Until then, it was nice to see that there were still decent, honest people out in the world who wanted to help others realize their dream of living in a suitable space for a reasonable price.

  Jesse settled in on his new pillow near the recliner that came furnished with the house. I insisted that Grey let me pay him back for all of the things that “conveniently” came with it, but he just shook his head. If you want to pay me back, just show up every day and make the outcome worth the input. I wondered now if he meant with construction or with his little sister, but I had every intention of living up to my word.

  I collapsed into the recliner and hit the name of the girl who had been the salvation I needed from myself nearly two years ago. Tired brown eyes met mine through the video app, and her quiet voice filtered through the speakers. “Hey, you.”

  I smiled at the sweetness of her tone. After being reamed by another sweet voice all day, I needed to hear some kindness from a woman other than Lynn, who also didn’t completely hate my guts. “Hey, yourself. He asleep?”

  Her brown ponytail swished behind her as she made her way down the hallway I had traveled many a time to my now former room. “Just got him down for the night.” Her pretty face settled into the frame, and I could see why my best friend had been so crazy about this girl from our second day of freshman year in high school. Merritt was a beautiful girl in her own right, with dark chestnut brown and golden-brown eyes. She was a classic beauty, never needing makeup to show that, and she was the perfect blend of smart, attractive, and feisty. A catch in every sense of the word, it’s no wonder why my best friend was hooked on her until he drew his last breath. The thought of Aidan pierced my heart almost as much as when I first stepped foot back into the home where he and I had become brothers by choice. I willed away the hurt and tried to mask my inner turmoil. “How is he?”

  “I think he realized you were gone.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “He’s been fussier than usual. He kept looking at the door,” she said with a sad glance. “I think he’s waiting for you to walk through it.”

  Guilt clawed at my heart. “I’m sorry. I can come up this—”

  “You will do no such thing. We had a deal, remember?” Determined brown eyes pinned me with a stare.

  “I know…”

  “Then, we stick to the pact. How’d the first day go?”

  “Could’ve been worse.”

  She raised a dark eyebrow. “But could’ve been better?”

  “Something like that.”

  “Did you get to see her?”

  “Yeah…”

  “And…?” She gave me that look girls give each other when they want all the juicy details.

  I scrubbed a hand down my face. “She hates me, Merritt.”

  “Deacon, I highly doubt that.”

  “You didn’t hear the way she talked to me. She’s pissed.”

  An impressed look crossed her face. “Wow. Didn’t think sweet little Charlotte had it in her.”

  “Hey!”

  “Hay is for horses. It’s been almost two years. You two have a lot of ground to cover, mister.” I always delighted in hearing Merritt’s country slang and anecdotes, a piece of the Appalachian heritage she carried with her when she and her family moved to Silverton from West Virginia. That is, I loved them and her deep twang when I wasn’t on the receiving end of those idiom-laced tongue lashings.

  “That’s putting it lightly.”

  “Look. I know this isn’t going to be easy, but we stick to the plan and give it time. It’s what he would’ve wanted.”

  My heart sank at the mention of my best friend, the man who deserved to be sitting here, talking to the love of his life. “Merritt, I don’t know about that…”

  “I do.” Wistfulness accented her features and understanding guided her tone. “I also know he loved you both very much, and your happiness would make him happy.”

  “History tells a different story.”

  “Victors are the ones who get to write history,” she stated matter-of-factly, a smirk growing as she spoke. “So, let’s make you a winner, Mr. Devereaux.”

  I heard a loud cry in the background, and I immediately smiled. “Looks like bedtime was too early.”

  “Doggone it. I’ll be right back.” She rested the device on something to prop it up and closed the door behind her. I stared at the walls of what used

  “Say hi to Uncle Deacon.” A handsome little face appeared, and a huge toothy grin appeared alongside laughter.

  “Hey, little man.” He babbled and stared at me through a pixelated window, holding out his chubby baby hands at the screen. His dark hair was all Merritt’s, but everything else came straight from Aidan, including those grayish-green eyes that ran rampant through the Kasen lineage. As happy as I was to have my nephew in my life, I could never look at him without feeling an enormous wave of guilt crash into me that my best friend never got to see his own child—all because of my mistake. Guilt compounded whenever I thought about what a kickass mom Merritt had become. Aidan would be proud as hell of both of them, but neither one of them would ever hear those words come from his mouth.

  “He thinks he can hug you through the screen.”

  Happiness spread throughout my chest, contentment warming my veins, knowing my nephew wanted to show me affection. Being unconditionally accepted by anyone was still a foreign concept to me in many ways, with only a handful of people in the world showing me that over the years. The same people who I had lied to repeatedly because I couldn’t tell them the truth without losing them. “Anything exciting happen today?”

  “Like him completing his rocket science degree?”

  “Funny.”

  She laughed and readjusted him in her lap. “Deac, he’s not even 18 months old yet. He can’t even talk right now.”

  “I’m telling you: kid’s gonna be a genius.”

  “When he graduates from Harvard at 15, we’ll be sure to send you an invitation.”

  “Deal. So, how are you doing?”
>
  She looked at me with the same look she did when I first showed up at her apartment to find her pregnant and struggling. “Sad that my roomie is gone, but we’re coping. Right, E?” He cackled, earning a laugh from us both. We chatted a bit more, Everett growing more unsettled with each passing minute.

  “I’d better let you go so you can wrangle the troops in again.” A job I had done many times over since he came into the world. A task I didn’t realize just how much I would miss till now.

  “Night, Deac. Think of it as boot camp all over again.”

  I groaned at the thought. Even though my sergeant was a great guy, he was a hard ass and tough as hell to please. “Yeah. Fun times.”

  She giggled as Everett started to whimper, signaling the end of our banter. “I expect a full debriefing each week, soldier.”

  I saluted with one finger. “Yes, ma’am.”

  The screen went black, and I thought about all the talks I had had with Merritt over the last few months, when we were two broken souls leaning on each other, trying to heal. I had hit the bottle pretty hard when I was discharged, a habit my father had that saw fit to dilute my part of the gene pool. Guilt over the loss of my best friend and what his death took from those he loved ate at me like an all-you-can buffet, with no part of my soul safe from being greedily devoured. I was an empty shell of a man when I left Silverton to stay with Merritt, and my choices had rippled out to the people I’d willingly die for, including the girl I had always dreamed of one day calling mine. But that’s why you’re in this mess in the first place, remember?

  I ushered Jesse into his new kennel, making sure he was all set for the night and made my way into the bedroom. I had unpacked a few things yesterday, including the nice stationery set Elsie had purchased for me before leaving for deployment and the picture frame that housed the last picture ever taken of Aidan before he passed. I picked up the image and stared at the man who had been by my side throughout most of my life, who had called me brother and laid his life down for me. We were in our fatigues, and one of our buddies in the platoon had snapped it without much warning. I had a stern look on my face while Aidan smiled like he didn’t have a care in the world.